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William Thomas...

Today, the fist bump. Tomorrow, the 'buttock knock'
By William Thomas, All the World's a Circus
Columns
Jul 04, 2008
For centuries, the simple handshake has served humans well as a sound, physical gesture of goodwill. The handshake originated with English knights as a way of proving they held no weapon upon meeting both enemy and friend.

Last month, in a victory salute after finally capturing the democratic nomination for president, Barack Obama locked knuckles with his wife Michelle. Five fingers and 1,500 years away from the handshake, it was the fist bump that went around the world.

Right hands extended so that one person's knuckles fit nicely into the hollows of the other person's fist -- this is now officially the coolest salute on the planet.

Kids in Africa wearing Tiger Woods T-shirts will be fist bumping each other every chance they get. Look for the Pope to fist bump Angelina Jolie ... and miss.

Mike Tyson will one day soon be charged with fist bumping a photographer to death.

In between the handshake and the fist bump we had the high-five. This was a victory salute started by black ballplayers and designed to make white guys look silly. Like dancing, the high-five requires rhythm and, in both cases, white men look like they're having mild seizures or swatting invisible butterflies.

After the high five came the elbow tap. Avoiding any real contact and thereby keeping bacteria and viruses at bay, the elbow tap was casual to the point of indifference. The elbow tap said "hello" or "nice shot," but it whispered "whatever." While the high-five still exists in some primitive exhibitions of success, the elbow tap is disappearing fast.

After being unmercifully taunted by the Italian thug Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup of soccer, French ace Zinedine Zidane ran straight at his nemesis and severely head-butted him in the chest. Materazzi hit the pitch like he'd been dropped from a plane but to the dismay of French football fans, he lived.

Later it was revealed that in Marseille, France, a head-butt to the face or heart is known as the "Marseille handshake." Very tough town, Marseille.

Thankfully, the Marseilles handshake has not really caught on but I live to see the day German Chancellor Angela Merkel bids farewell to President Bush with a solid head-butt to the chest.

So the fist bump is the bee's knees for now but what possibly could be next? Limited by the number of digits, limbs and heads we have, the list of possibilities is not all that long.

The 'toe tap' would be introduced by the ghost of Gregory Hines. Toe tapping is safe and healthy unless you're wearing sandals. Construction workers wearing steel-reinforced shoes could really rip into one another. The toe tap could prove to airport security that you're not another "shoe-icide bomber."

The 'heel click' could be the ideal greeting for two people who just can't stand to look at each other.

Maybe the next great greeting will be as simple as the index-finger-touch. Just like how ET transferred extraordinary power in the movie of the same name. Maybe Research in Motion will make a little greeting thimble you slip on the end of your finger and when you touch another person's finger, unspoken love and admiration will well up in each of you, your computer will start up automatically, mist will moisturize all your plants and Michael Jackson's pants will fall down.

The 'kidney punch' would be awkward and painful, the ankle-kick would be dangerous on stairs, the tailgate could lead to sexual touching.

The 'forehead fob' could prove fatal, but the chin-wag holds certain possibilities. "Mr. Mulroney, I'd like you to meet Jay Leno." BAM! Two men lying unconscious on the sidewalk. "Hey guys, why the long faces?"

With all due respect to organized crime the 'knee cap' will probably never make its way into the mainstream expression of goodwill.

Can we just go back to the handshake, please. I don't care about your germs. I want to know if you're holding a weapon.

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William Thomas can be reached through his website, www.williamthomas.ca.