Earlier this month, Omkari Panwar from Muzaffarnaga, India, became the oldest woman in the world to give birth when she delivered twins at the age of 70.

Panwar and her husband, Charan Singh Panwar, 77, mortgaged their farmland, sold their buffaloes, spent all their life savings and took out a loan to finance the in-vitro fertility treatment.

The birth of the twins was a little more urgent than it needed to be because when they got to the hospital, the parents spent most of the day getting out of the car.

Already the parents of two adult daughters and grandparents to five more, the Panwars desperately wanted a male heir. And they got one. The other twin was a girl.

Yeah, like kids today need another reason to be confused. With two sisters 30 years older than them, the newborn twins are already aunt and uncle to five kids who are about to become their babysitters. It's very hard to keep your nieces and nephews in line when all you can say is: "goo goo" and "gaw gaw."

The only person who will be more confused than the twins is the photographer assigned to take the four generations' family photo.

"Okay, okay, listen up. We're going to take a bit of a break now so the youngest daughter can change her uncle's diaper. And would somebody wake up Charan, one of the youngest grandchildren stole the car again."

There's no mention of the twins' grandparents so there could be another record in the making.

Charon may be spry, but he's no spring chicken. Think of Father Time -- long white beard, flowing robe, scythe in hand -- that's what Charan will look like at the twins' high school graduation.

And the newborn heir is now second in the patriarchal chain of command. If something happens to Charan, this kid will likely blow what's left of the family fortune on licorice, stuffed animals and a little red wagon. And you think you got hosed the last time you dealt with a lawyer. At the reading of the will, this kid will be dealing from the position of a highchair.

I don't think this is such a good idea. I mean by 70 years of age, a woman's hot flashes are barely lukewarm. Seriously, at 70 and 77 your vital juices are pretty much 100% prune.

No word on breast feeding, but if you're one of the twins you definitely want to get there early.

I know experience is the great teacher, but what are these little kids going to learn from two people who are napping all the time. And what kind of naptime is it when two screaming kids can't wake their parents up?

Sorry, but there's something not quite right about your grandchildren taking turns to hold and burp your children.

On the other hand, there are not many people who can go to the bank and legitimately cash a pension cheque and a baby bonus allowance all at the same time.

I'm not so sure Omkari and Charon thought this childbirth thing all the way through.

I mean the twins' hand-me-downs will actually be period costumes left over from the days of British colonialism.

And talk about adjustments to be made. I mean at 70, do you really want to be up half the night with two kids who are teething, especially when you no longer have any of your own? That's just cruel.

For everybody's sake you gotta hope that the twins' kindergarten is located next door to the parents' nursing home.

And it could get crazy around the house. Kids get into everything and most 70-year-olds I know leave pills lying around the kitchen, the bathroom and the bedroom. A stomach pump would make an excellent shower gift. Speaking of which, it was the first-ever baby shower hosted by a doctor who took everybody's blood pressure before the excitement started.

And how are you going to keep up with two three-year-olds tear-assing around the house when the two of you keep getting your canes crossed?

No, 70-year-old parents and newborn twins do not a normal family make. When the four of them keep getting the braces mixed up with the dentures and the kids are brushing with PoliGrip, remember, you heard it here first.

No, this thing was not thought through at all. I mean do the parents realize that by the time Charan turns 100 years of age, the twins will be . . . still really, really confused.

* * *

William Thomas can be reached through his website, www.williamthomas.ca.