Then came the day before the election, October 13th, heretofore known as "Wonky Monday," and all hell broke loose.

9:00 a.m. - After voters attending a Conservative breakfast rally remind Stephen Harper that he had lied about changing the status of income trusts thereby wiping out the retirement savings of millions of Canadians, the Prime Minister swears to a group of seniors, his mother among them, that he will not touch registered savings plans.

9:05 a.m. - While attending the same event, Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz is informed of two deaths due to seafood poisoning in Nova Scotia. Laughing, he says he likes sour cream on his salmonella.

9:06 a.m. - At the next table, Environmental Minister John Baird reprises his comedy routine of coughing in the midst of SARS and suggests a supermarket recall of all Ritz Crackers.

9:10 a.m. - An Angus Reid survey shows the NDP jump 10 points in the polls after Jack Layton comes down with laryngitis.

9:30 a.m. - Foaming at the mouth and screaming he hates Ontario even more than Stephen Harper does, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty is mistaken for an off-leash pitbull and tranquilized in front of Oshawa's G.M. plant.

9:45 a.m. - In what Bob Rae later explained was actually a push for alternative energy, Liberal leader Stéphane Dion is photographed tilting at windmills.

10:00 a.m. - Prime Minister Stephen Harper announces all the funds in Canadians' registered savings plans will be converted to Afghanistan War Bonds and administered by the Royal Bank of Kabul. His mother calls him a "fraud." Premier Danny Williams sues her for plagiarism.

10:05 a.m. - Defence Minister Peter Mackay, taking the day off from the campaign trail, jumps on his Harley and heads off to Port Dover as he says: " ... like I do every Monday the 13th."

10:15 a.m. - Tired but still trying to appear perky, Elizabeth May drinks a glass of water recycled from waste treatment plants in British Columbia only to be told it was actually a glass of ethanol from the energy farm next door. Elizabeth May turns green.

10:30 a.m. - Prime Minister Stephen Harper fires his campaign manager for arranging an educational photo-op too close to a Toronto high school where "somebody could get shot."

10:45 a.m. - Pressed to name just one thing he's done for Quebec in all his years in Ottawa, Bloc's Gilles Duceppe produces a menu from the parliamentary cafeteria that lists poutine as an appetizer.

11:15 a.m. - Again admitting that the oil companies are gouging us at the gas pumps but he's not going to do anything about it, Prime Minister Stephen Harper offers a three billion dollar flat screen TV tax credit for those who can no longer afford to drive to work.

11:30 a.m. - Notified that Elizabeth May has been hospitalized, Environment Minister John Baird makes a knock-knock joke that ends with: "May the bird of paradise poop on her shoulder."

Noon - Delirious, but still campaigning, aides take a book of matches away from Green leader Elizabeth May who is about to show reporters how clean ethanol gas burns off.

12:50 p.m. - Former Conservative candidate for Toronto Centre, Chris Reid again promotes the legalization of concealed handguns for Canadians. Although he is dismissed as a "whack job" by all parties including the Conservatives, U.S. Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin sends him a hand-tooled, leather ammo belt.

1:00 p.m. - Prime Minister Stephen Harper again denies a hidden agenda in which he'd sell off the CBC. Pressured further, he promises to return Ted Rogers' cheque.

1:30 p.m. - Prime Minister Stephen Harper makes a pitch to the rich at a golf course in Quebec and is pooped on by a Canada goose. Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien telephones to congratulate the goose and offers to buy the golf course. Or sell it. Whatever.

2:00 p.m. - Prime Minister Stephen Harper calls a press conference warning reporters in advance he will not discuss the war in Afghanistan for obvious security reasons. When asked about the fiasco in Caledonia, Harper says he'll now take questions on the war.

2:30 p.m. - Deputy Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff also calls a press conference and for no apparent reason says: "Supercalafragilisticexpealiditious," then leaves.

3:10 p.m. - Accused of gutting funding to the arts, Harper and Flaherty lock arms in front of Toronto's Dirty Dancing marquee and sing: "There's no business like show business."

3:15 p.m. - Desperate for attention and trailing the Conservatives in Quebec, Bloc leader Gilles Duceppe announces he's dating Julie Couillard.

3:30 p.m. - When asked what he'll do to help cities like Welland, laid low by plant closings, Prime Minister Stephen Harper commits $1.3 billion to the refurbishing of Canada's bingo halls.

4:00 p.m. - You rip up your Voter Information Card and after breathing deeply into a paper bag, you say a small prayer that someday Canada will be run by a benevolent dictatorship led by Don Cherry.

William Thomas can be reached through his website, www.williamthomas.ca.